I read, re-read, re-read and
re-read yet again your soul’s breaking call, but still hoping and searching call, and it was upon the third
read that a path started shinning through to me.
You said my job was only to
respond because I had the answer and you would like to receive it; then you challenged me by saying that only
if the response was acceptable would you follow! Feisty ain’t ya sis!
Well I have a response that
counter challenges you my sister soul: you always had the answer from the second you sent up the first SOS to
Big B! Want to know why I say this look below:
Wailing Call of His Beloved Handmaiden Echoing from 1 8 Months Ending at Sea
I became caught up in
the affairs of the world, the dealings of life.
I Just what [is] this
brown skinned woman….supposed to be wrapped up in,
these other things stealing away at my rhythm, and my rhyme, and the very essence of my
There is no fight left
in me. I was wounded with a bullet that
pierced my heart,
prayed for the pain to offer me a respite,
and God, hearing, and
God, seeing, allowed me to drift into another place.
I can use this downtime
to heal, knowing “that which
doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger”.
I opened my eyes just long enough to see, feel for my
I never saw, but trusted They were there. Making contact with his pinky finger,
I grabbed it as if it was a
Would I ever again be
accepted at the Table of his bounty?
I am here now, still
waiting. A constant reminder of the first
It is still in my mind like it was yesterday.
skills not as keen as they were, in fact, probably non existent now from
lack of use.
the biggest weapon I had in the battle, I can no longer carry, haven’t used it in so long.
forgotten which closet I buried it in.
There is nothing left
for me to ask.
There is nothing I need.
My exile can not be much longer
I’ve lost one of the
pillars that sustain soldiers,
And I fear to join the battle again: I am still too
weak from the scars.
And pride keeps me from
asking to borrow yours.
If you will send just one
pillar up on my behalf.
I know that will be
’Cause I’m running for
Why I should re-enlist
in His army when all roads thus far have led to no, no, know where…
These are all your words that I
took from your “synopsis”, which show recognition of why you are where you are; what you must “choose” to do
to reach past this spirit-shaming, soul-embattled, ever-present mental anguish, and emerge cleansed, totally
submissive to His Will, humbled and eternally and joyously grateful that in the dead “silence” and
pitch-black clouds of pain your Lord was right beneath you, His perfect and dearly beloved daughter, carrying
you through the fire of Job testing your certitude and preparing you for service in His vineyard through all
the worlds of God.
All of this I see in the “path” I
discerned from your words above; the yellow highlights reflect the flames of spiritual torture you have been
experiencing in ever-increasing degrees, not for the last 18 months, but from the time of your service at the
BWC and culminating in this recent “act” that caused a bullet to pierce your heart with unspeakable “seeming”
In contrast, the green highlights
manifest the tenacious power and steadfast certitude of the spirit you possess as created by your Creator, a
spirit that even in the sunless-hole of terror and torture, refuses to succumb to the promptings of the flesh
to give in but, instead, feels for the Father’s Hand that cannot be seen but trusting that because of that
rock-steady faith, It is there and, It is, and grabs hold like unto a robe; the same spirit that knows God is
the “All Hearing” and the “All Seeing” and has encoded in your soul that He can always be reached through the
one “pillar” that can never be taken by external means, the pillar of prayer!
That “which doesn’t kill you can
only make you stronger”, and since you are still very much alive and “still waiting” reaching out to your
sistah, we both know that that spirit, which is your spirit and the spirit of every Bahá’í reaching out to
Bahá’u’lláh, can and is only stronger because of all the wounding and pain.
Do you remember how Khánum
defined faith in her poem entitled “This is Faith”?
“To cry out in the silence,
The silence of the night,
And hearing no echo believe
And believe again and again—This is Faith
To say: “God, I believe” when others deny,
“I hear”, when there is no
“I see” though naught is seen—This is Faith
And the fierce love in the heart,
The savage love that cries
Hidden Thou art yet there!
Veil Thy face and mute Thy tongue
Yet I see and hear Thee, Love,
Beat me down to the bare
Yet I rise and love Thee, Love!”
This is the same faith that beats
so strongly in your heart and soul even when its life blood is delayed to your mind to cause it to speak to
your hands and cause them to type: “My skills are probably non-existent now from lack of use”, “I’ve lost one
of the pillars that sustains soldiers, “I fear to join the battle again”, “I am still too weak from the
scars”, “’cause I’m running for my life”, so “why should I re-enlist in His army when all roads thus far have
led to no, no, know where”?
Now I am going to end by
reminding you of the “true” story of Mírzá Ahmad Yazdí, as in Ahmad of “Tablet of Ahmad”!
Ahmad spent 25 years in
deprivation searching for the goal of his life, the intense yearning of his heart: which was to find the
Qá’im, the Promised One of Islam.
He was so eager to reach his goal
that whenever anyone recommended a new prayer or ritual for him to follow, he would carry it out with
devotion and zeal. But, alas, none of these practices brought him any closer to the object of his
quest. Ahmad searched the length and breadth of Persia without success
and so he gave up and went to India, yet he found nothing
there either, the goal of his life went unfulfilled and he finally became disillusioned.
This led to his return
to Persia to
pursue some sort of “normal” life and he did do this for some years but, all the while, the desire to find
the Qá’im still burned strongly in his heart. It was during this time of unspoken yearning that he
heard of the Báb from Shíráz, and took off to journey, on foot, to Tihrán and then to Mashhad, over 500
miles. Upon arrival once again the hand of God reached out and diverted him from his purpose, as Ahmad
became ill and had to take to bed for two months!!
In his own
words Ahmad said: “I will persist till such time as he will open his heart to me and will guide me to the
right path of God. It is incumbent upon the one who searches to drain the bitter cup of
hardship”. He was finally able to
attain his goal, some 25 years later, and recognize and acknowledge the truth of the Message of the Báb and
Sis you have been drinking deep
from the bitter cup of hardship for many years now, until you have now reached the dregs of pain!
Choose now to stop running for your life and rather start running towards your life; embrace it, give thanks for the unbearable torture that has
caused your soul to seek out to the “no other Helper but Him,” and bend over with tears of blood streaming
from your heart and beseech God saying: “Here am I, here am I”. Choose life and strength and
forgiveness of yourself and lay the burden of shame at the feet of Bahá’u’lláh and fully submit to the path
of purpose He has for you, which has included all of this pain, and re-enlist in His Army of love and
I did find my earlier email and
the recommendation stands more now than ever before:
“Request a meeting with the LSA and when you go
to meet it, share with them that you are new to the
area and are seeking its prayers
for assistance in getting settled and finding a job and also would like
to seek its guidance on how best
you can use your services to support the goals of the Plan!
There is, as you know, a special
spiritual potency to the prayers of the institutions and by going to it
and seeking its guidance you are
in fact saying to Bahá’u’lláh that you are tired of trying to go it alone
in search of the answers and that
you are now totally surrendering your will to His, just point the way
via the LSA’s guidance, and you
You know that I love you and
continue to be mystified at how your path and mine seem to mirror each other so much!
“He doeth as He willeth and what
recourse have we but to bow down in submission….
With a spiritual love that defies
all ties, burdens and shame,
Your sistah friend and
co-conspirator through all the worlds of God!
Debbie K., Mon, Jun 4, 2007
9 Love Letters